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Monday, June 22, 2009

There are 2 Types of People in This World...

According to our Sailing Instructor on Saturday.... Motor Boat People and Sailing People.

Some enjoy the journey, others just want to get there. Motor Boat People are great people, they just have a different philosophy.

Well... sorry old chap, but this lady is a most definitely, unequivocally a motor boat person. That we found out this weekend.

Scene: Marina on Base, @ 10am, Temp 96 degrees, Heat index went up to 110. Standing all day on concrete with 8 other students, sweating our asses off.

Big Bottle of Water - Check
Light Colored Clothes - Check
50 SPF sunscreen for face - Check
30+ SPF for rest of me - Check
Hat - Check

The Jetplanes stood all day and listened to what I call, complete and utter jibberish. Tact that, Jib that... Is the wind to your back, to your front, what side is the high side....

The information didn't even go from one ear and out the other, it pretty much just reflected off my sweaty head and flew away. I pulled Mr. Jetplane aside at all 3 of our lovely 10-15 minute breaks and explained that I didn't understand a damn word this guy was saying and I really didn't feel comfortable.

So after the day of instruction, we headed down the beach with all our rigging. Mr. Jetplane and I started rigging our boats. There are 2 ropes that are used in the rigging - 1 that runs the top portion of the sail and the 2nd is knotted onto the back of the boat, through the pulley system on the bottom of the sail and through a large pulley that is knotted off near where you sit. This rope is used to steer the sail.

So I'm ready to push off of shore, and the big Marine that went in front of me had capsized into the water. So YES, I was nervous. Right before I push off the instructor informs Mr. Jetplane that my sail can't extend the whole way because our knot is too close to the pulley. So he re did the knot and I pushed off.

And off I went, I felt the boat pick up speed and the sail swung to the other side. I let it go, as I was supposed to and I didn't capsize. I was so proud of myself. Then all of a sudden I looked down. The rope that ran from the back of the boat through the bottom of the sail was sitting in the bottom of the boat and not through the sail. I looked onto the beach and yelled "OMG! What the hell... how am I supposed to get back?"

I see Mr. Jetplane throw off his life jacket and prepare to jump in the water and retrieve me and my boat. The instructor stopped him and called over the rescue boat. (Oh NO it gets better..or worse)

While waiting for him I re-tie the back knot and prepare to run the rope through the pulleys again. The boat pulls up and he helps me and I ask him to double check my knots. Then he pushes me off again.

And I'm off and I start picking up speed. Literally, I felt like I was going 60 MPH, when in actuality it was more like 5 MPH. I preparing to take the 1st buoy and I make the turn. I almost clear it but I can't turn. Now I'm veering off course and heading to shore. Then I try to turn again toward the buoy and I start picking up speed. By now I'm far away from the rest of the students and heading toward the no-student-sailboat-zone. The reason its a no-student-sailboat-zone because the area is used to dock people's large sailboats. We're talking $100k plus sailboats.

And now I'm heading in that direction and I can't get my boat around. I look around and no one is watching me.... I start screaming... I mean screaming...

"HELP! HELP! I'm going to hit one of these boats!"

I seriously yell this for probably 2 minutes. No one comes. Then I totally break down and start crying. "Can someone please help me? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! HELP ME! SERIOUSLY HELP ME...."

And then a tag the sailboat parked in front of me and hit the poles on the dock. Then I think... "Okay. Well I'm stopped." And then I start crying even more.

After what felt like another 5 minutes the rescue boat comes to get me again. He says... "Are you ok?"

I respond very matter-of-fact... "No! No! I'm pretty f-ing far from okay! I am so not okay. I hate this and I'm very upset."

He says... "I can see that. Don't Worry. Its okay. You're okay. Do you want to keep going?"

I say " Hell no. Pull me and this f-ing boat to shore. I hate this and I don't want to do this anymore."

He asks... "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I completely sure. Get me on shore."

He pulls me to shore and reassures me the whole way its okay. At some point close to shore I realize that I'm acting like a total crazy bitch and I apologize to him. He says its okay.

We get to shore and the instructor asks if I'm okay and if I want to go again.

I re-confirm yet again that I'm not interested in sailing anymore. He asks me what went wrong and I explain to him that I started veering off course and all I do is see myself hitting one of those big expensive sail boats.

To that the instructor says" Oh, don't worry. We would never let you come near any of those boats...."

To that I say... "Oh really... I'm pretty sure I hit it."

"No, I'm sure you didn't hit it!" He turns to the rescue boat driver and he interjects.."Oh yeah. She did it!"

So I spent the rest of the hour that the rest of the class was sailing sitting with the instructor and learning all about his life.

He asked me if I wanted to sail with Mr. Jetplane in his boat. I told him that I don't really want to be that close to him right now. Which was probably a good thing, since he capsized twice. Yeah he deserved it.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be going sailing again anytime soon... But I do have my A Mate Certification. Mr. will be getting his B Certification, but as for Mrs. Jetplane... HELL NO!!!


Jessica Lynn said...

You had me at: "The information didn't even go from one ear and out the other, it pretty much just reflected off my sweaty head and flew away." I laughed the whole entire way through. Not because it was funny, but because I know that if I EVER try that I'll be in the exact same position you were. Glad to see you came out of it alive!

Sondre Lyn said...

I am laughing so hard! My husband rented a sailboat for the day for my birthday. We thought taking lessons might be a fun thing to do but wanted to see if we liked sailing first. Let me just say, I fall into the motor boat category. My poor husband! Glad I'm not the only one! :D

d.a.r. said...

I feel horrible but I pretty much just laughed my face off reading this. I am so sorry, it sounds like hell on earth. I don't particularly care for boats much at all!

Meg said...

Haha! Goodness! I'm definitely a motor boat person. I'm a fan of engines.

Lynn said...

You can tell a story....cracks me up!! I read every post but don't comment very often. (hmm, this might make me a lurker) Just want you to know that I appreciate your humor. And your serious posts too. And your fashion posts. Maybe I should just show you some blog love more often.

Anonymous said...

I felt so awful for you when I read about you trying to call for help and no one noticed. But I have to admit that this post kept me laughing the entire time! I hope Mr. Jetplane made up for all of this and gave you huge hugs and a big HUGE glass of wine too.

Lindsey said...

Sorry if you heard my laughing all the way from Illinois! I couldn't help it.. I hope the instructor had an interesting life story for you!

Meg said...

Sorry that you had such an awful experience. This was a hilarious story though. I needed that laugh. It sounded like something that would happen to me.

Rachael said...

Wow, what a story!

I'm pretty sure it would have gone the same way for me to. My dad coaxed me onto a sailboat once and all I managed to do was get a nasty sunburn and slam my finger in the centerboard so bad that it turned black and blue and eventually fell off.

Never again. I am a motor-boat person, most definitely.

Allison Hasel said...

Hilarious and awful! I was scared the entire time reading the story thinking I knew where it was going. I am such a wussy, I would have done the exact same thing. Or rather, I probably never would have gotten on the sailboat to begin with. Ha! It is a wonder that my husband is even interested in me with my wuss tendencies!

Danica said...

I'm not going to lie, I'm laughing! Too bad for you, I'm sorry that happened to you, I would have flipped out too, good thing for you not doing it again!!

Sara said...

I just feel bad for you. That's so frustrating and scary. I'm sorry you had such a bad time. I had no interest in sailing before and it seems that I am not missing much.

Casey (@ Chaos and Cardboard) said...

I know what the problem was! There was no alcohol on your check list. Clearly this boat thing could never go well without some beer. :)

Melissa Marie said...

hahaha. Omg, you couldn't pay me to go sailing. My hat is off to you for even trying. My hubby has his sailing certificate (he went to Naval Academy and they all learn how to sail) and thinks I'm going to get in a sail boat with him. I am very clear with my big fat, HECK NO, NOT A CHANCE and POSITIVELY NEVER. I am open to a lot of things... but capsizing in the middle of the ocean is just not one of them. ;) Thanks for the laugh... I thoroughly felt your pain and enjoyed your story.

Sarah said...

This had me in a mixture of laughing and worry all at the same time! I am TERRIBLE at these sorts of things, and I can so see myself doing the exact same things you did. That said, I am totally and completely a motorboat person. Love them. Its like driving a car but easier. Well at least now you know what category you fit into!

Miss E said...

Oh I'm sorry but this was a hilarious story. I'm glad that you made it *safely* back to shore and I totally agree with you on the sailing thing: I only like it if it's a big boat and I'm laying out just enjoying the ride.

It's so funny how active your husband is...mine is much the same way. Always needs to be doing something. I, on the other hand, am fine to sit and read/watch tv/drink wine.

Anonymous said...

I am definitely a motorized boat person. I will only get on a boat with someone I know though. My mom's boyfriend is a bad driver in a car. He's even worse in a boat.

I laughed out of sympathy. I am a little bit glad that the Mr. turned over twice. :)

Blackeyed Susan said...

ah! I am definitely a motor boat person after reading this!

Unknown said...

Sorry you didn't have a good experience but glad you are okay.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

oh girl. i am really sorry, but i just laughed my face off this entire story! and that meltdown you had?!? That's a "megan" meltdown if I've ever heard one! i so would have been right by you on the shore..

and i would have spent the rest of the day sulking and refusing to talk to the hubs. glad you made it through this!!

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