Fellow Travelers

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Hello out there... not sure if anyone is still with me considering I fell off the face of the earth, well blog speaking I did. 

I've been doing the mommy job 24/7 and its been wonderful.  Well to be honest, its been exhausting, overwhelming, scary, and crazy but wonderful all at the same time. 

While we're on the honesty train, the first couple of weeks were probably the strangest and hardest of my life thus far.  You see I was in labor for a very long time before it was time to push and then after a little over 2 hours of pushing we decided it was best for us to proceed with a c-section. 

I had a temperature at that point, I'd been in labor for a long time, the baby was still face up (we'd been trying to move him for several hours), and his head felt like it was stuck inside my hip. When I pushed I felt like they were ripping off my right leg.  I was also experiencing severe pain in the top of my uterus every time I pushed.  The doctor looked at me and said I'll let you push for another hour if you'd like to.  I told him if you can't pull this baby out right now then let's do the c-section.  I told him that I was mentally, physically, and emotionally done.  I had absolutely nothing to left to give. 

Then the next 10 minutes were a blur, so many people rushing in and out of the room I was totally over whelmed.  I was having a c-section, I wasn't prepared for this.  Ripping out my contacts, taking off my jewelry, questions being asked, and I was just totally clueless of what to really expect. 

I was scared to death.  I have never had any surgery or been admitted to a hospital.  I've only been under once and that was to have my wisdom teeth removed.  I wasn't prepared and this wasn't the plan. 

Let's just say I wasn't the best patient.  Mr came in and sat by my head, I told him thru my own tears that I was really scared.  I was asking the anesthesiologist a ton of questions.  What should I feel, what shouldn't I feel... I thought I was feeling too much.  Which scared me even more.  Let's just say I was very vocal. 

They pulled Miles out and I heard him cry right away.  That was amazing.  Then I asked the anesthesiologist, how much longer... He said "Well once they put your uterus back in probably about 30 minutes..."

Let me just tell you that was probably the last thing in the world you should have said to me.  I thought to myself and I may have even said it out loud "My uterus is out... 30 more minutes... you have to be f'n kidding me!".  Like I said, I wasn't the best patient.  At this point, my upper body began shaking and my lips quivering and I couldn't get myself to calm down.  I was periodically shaking throughout the whole labor and delivery.  It was really annoying. 

Mr had left the room with the baby by this point and I was totally losing it.  Thankfully they knocked me out for the rest.  It turns out that I had an infection that we didn't know about.  My placenta was infected and that was causing me to feel my contractions stronger than they were appearing on the monitors.  Thankfully I didn't pass on the infection to the baby. 

Sidenote-I actually apologized to the anesthesiologist for being such a pain in the ass when he came in to see me the next day, since one of the techs blew a vein and he came in to do it for him. 

But to get back to my point, Miles' birth wasn't what I had expected.  His birth wasn't the labor and delivery that I had imagined or dreamed about.  I felt like I was mourning the birth I had envisioned and that made me sad.  To top it all off, I had to be readmitted to the hospital 2 days after leaving the hospital due to eclampsia, which I didn't even know you could get after birth.  I had horrible headaches and severely high blood pressure.  I had to be put on a magnesium drip for 24 hours.  I wasn't really back to normal for over a week after be discharged the 2nd time.  I had to be put on various meds to control my headaches and blood pressure for the next 6 weeks. 

I kept breast feeding that entire time and I tried to sleep when I could.  Thankfully my husband and my mother were both huge help.  My mother is a saint, I don't know what we would have done without her and my stepdad here.  These first 2-3 weeks  were not was I had envisioned for the beginning of our lil family.  I didn't have the glow of a new mommy.  I felt run down and sick.  I felt like I was just a milk cow for my son and the only time I spent with him was feeding him.  I didn't feel like we were connecting. 

You see all these pictures of new moms in the hospital and they're all cute and polished and I looked like absolute hell and I felt even worse.  I didn't feel cute.  I felt horrible and then I felt even worse for even thinking about myself instead of my son. 

But I'm happy to say, things are better.  Do I still have some baby blues, oh yes I do.  My husband asked me where the happy me went to.  Well, the truth is I'm not unhappy at all, I'm just not happy happy if that makes sense.  I'm still trying to figure out the new me, the mommy me. 

I adore my son, make no mistake about that.  I am so thankful to have a job that let me take maternity leave to spend this time with him, its been amazing.  But this isn't easy and my hormones are cray cray.  Breastfeeding is hard and overwhelming.  Your life revolves around your boobs and your baby.  I've had to supplement with formula because he wasn't gaining weight.  That stressed me out even more.  Getting out of the house, especially in the frigid temps we have out here, is a full on event.  Your life has been turned upside down and you can't prepare for all that you're going to have to deal with. 

But I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm thankful that I suffered the health issues and not him.  I'd rather take all that pain and more, instead of him feeling an ounce of it.  I'm so grateful that he is healthy and happy. 

And I am forever thankful that this lil nugget calls me his mommy.  Please don't get the wrong idea, I love my new life.  But I wanted to be honest about my new life.  I wanted to let other new moms know that they aren't the only ones that feel this way. 


Birdie said...

Oh, Mrs J, I am so glad you're ok. This all sounds so terrifying and unfair :( esp. The surgery, that's scary. Medical things scare the bejesus out of me! I hope you feel better soon. Miles is a gorgeous baby & his name is great :) xoxo to you guys

Brittney said...

I feel your pain sister! We ended up with a c-section too and it is SO scary. I felt like they just handed me this baby 3 hours after surgery and we're like, here you go, he's yours. It took a long time to feel the love connection for me. It wasn't the overwhelming feeling I was expecting to happen. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone! :) Glad to hear you're doing better. Mr. Miles looks just precious!

Windy City Kelley's said...

Girl, I hear ya on the breast feeding. It's SO hard and nobody tells you that. It will get easier, especially when that little baby smiles at you! Makes it all worth it.

agent99 said...

I'm s long-timelurker...it's the pug the got me hooked. Thanks for the brutally honest and fabulous recap of the birth. Apparently this parenting this is rarely what we planned (I've been at it 16 years....its get easier). the only way I was able to get through the nursing was by managing it day by day, and sometimes one feed at a time. it was torture the first 6 weeks,until thankfully, one day it just suddenly became ok.
So happy to hear you are OK/

Sara said...

This post brings tears to my eyes because it's so similar to my experience. I had never had surgery or spent a night in a hospital until suddenly I was on hospital bed rest. And, then at exactly 35 weeks I was told she had to come out because it wasn't safe to be pregnant any more. And, she was not ready to be born. I know (in my head) that I did everything I could and followed dr.s orders, but my experience has honestly left me not wanting to be pregnant again.

I too had the shakes during the operation from all the drugs and it was an awful feeling. And, I know everyone says, oh, if you have a scheduled c-section it's not that bad or women who bounce back from laboring and surgery, but I was not one of them. (I didn't even post about my follow up surgery)

It IS a mourning process and while people mean well who say, oh, but all that matters is the baby, I have a very hard time agreeing. Yes, my child is such a joy, but my experience was anything but. I think I'll always have guilt until she's 100% healthy. Sigh... motherhood.

Muffy said...

How exciting! Childbirth sounds terrifying! You seem to be doing great and our kid is cute. Good luck with everything!!! Xx.

Sweet Simplicity said...

Very well said. I love the honesty of this post. I have contemplated writing something similar so many times, but I'm afraid it would come across as "I hate my life." You did a great job of explaining how you felt, but still expressing so much love.

Unknown said...

Your post makes me cry. I wish we lived closer. Love you lady!!

Tara said...

I have been checking back so much to see an update!!! I am so glad to see you back and I do not have kids so I cannot relate at all, but I am so sorry that things didnt go as planned, and being honest never means you are a bad person. I am so happy everyone is healthy and you guys are settling in well and I cant wait for more blogs and pics :)

Katrina said...

glad for an update! I had an unplanned c-section with my first, and it is hard to accept! way to go keeping with the breastfeeding! =) he is so cute! congrats again, and I am glad things are getting better!

Caitlin MidAtlantic said...

Oh! I am feeling so much for you right now. The birth of my first didn't go how I pictured it in the least, and that was so hard for me to deal with. And her birth wasn't nearly as scary as it sounds like Miles' birth was!! The first few weeks can be so, so very hard. Please don't feel alone, because you are not!

Alison said...

Beautiful post! I know exactly how you feel about your delivery! I had an emergency c-section that lasted 2.5 hours because my daughter was stuck! I can hardly explain to others how horrible and wonderful the day was. Congratulations on Miles' birth and know the days slowly get easier!

tx windshields said...

You are so blessed!

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